How to Succeed on the Dating App of Your Choice Based on Arbitrary Standards That Are Superficial in Nature

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Let’s face it: everyone and their mother is on Tinder (I’m not telling you whose mother I saw on Tinder). With the inclusion of other dating apps such as Bumble and OKCupid, it’s only necessary for everyone to join in on the bandwagon now to the point where it’s extremely normal to come across a friend on one. The world is divided in two: those who swipe right on their friends and those who swipe left.

But that’s not why you’re here. You want to know how to get more matches. I’m here to tell you how.

1. Decent pictures

I know this is a toughie, but listen: you’ve only got about two seconds (the average attention span of anyone on a dating app) to make a good impression. Oftentimes less. Get a friend to double check your photos. Have at least one photo that has a good shot of your face (minus sunglasses, mind you) and another that has a view of your body. Do not for the love of god main hentam je and then wonder why people are not swiping on you. Treat this like your LinkedIn profile – but for dating. Upload multiple pictures too, because even if you’re good looking and you have just one picture, trust me, everyone will think you’re a catfish.  If you’re going to post group photos, don’t make it too difficult to guess which vaguely humanlike blob you are.I also shouldn’t have to say this, but please upload pictures of your actual self.

And (I’m not done yet) another thing – recent photos. You want to present your (most ideal) current self to the masses.

2. Interesting description

This is not your yearbook so don’t upload a quote by Kendrick Lamar and call it a day. Put some thought into it. Tell the reader about your hobbies, interests, what you’re looking for and so on. Make yourself look like an interesting human being (and you are one!). Don’t leave it at something like “I’m too complex to be summarised in 500 words”. Nobody wants that faux deep stuff, okay? Just tell us who you are.Here’s a good basic template: start off with your personality and what sort of person you are, then follow with what makes you unique, your hobbies and interests, and finally what you hope to achieve on the app (short term casual dating, something more long-term, or perhaps something even more casual wink wink nudge nudge?).

3. The art of conversation…

… is not “hi” or “hw r u”. You’re introducing yourself to someone you’re interested in getting to know. Treat this like your first meeting. Comment on their profile or something about them that strikes you as fascinating. Tell them why you swiped right. Flattery gets you everywhere, my dudes.A good opening message would be something like: Hi there, x! I noticed that you have a skateboard in your photo. That’s so cool! When did you begin skating?

Not only have you made it clear that you’ve paid attention to their profile (always flattering!), you’ve also engaged them in conversation about something they’re presumably passionate about. Also you ended with a question so hopefully they’re compelled to answer (kidding, please don’t coerce people to answer you).

4. Know what you want

Or at least, know what you don’t want, because that’s important too. Don’t compromise on the type of the person you’re looking for, because (serious talk) that always leads to heartache. If you don’t want to date a smoker, then by all means don’t date a smoker! Have a list of dealbreakers in your head at all times, and make sure you follow that. Be ready to encounter a lot of red flags as well, as will naturally happen. Keep yourself safe, and try to put yourself out there without having to worry about privacy concerns too much. There are a whole lotta weirdos out there.

5. Limit your expectations but also expand them

I mean, they’re dating apps, you know? You can’t take them too seriously. I’ve personally been to the wedding of a couple that met through Tinder, and dating apps can lead to fulfilling relationships, but go with the flow. You might never meet someone on the app you’re using, but you know what? That’s okay, because you have to recognise you’re a whole person on your own. Self love, people!On the other hand, you have to also be open to meeting people you never thought you’d meet. It’s a world full of diversity out there, and you’ve got to embrace that. Dip your toes in every pool, if you want. Experience everyone and everything, if that’s your fancy.

Whatever it is, using a dating app is very much an option. If it makes you feel worse about yourself in any way, that’s alright. Get off the app and go hang out with your friends. Play with your pet. Do something that makes you feel good. As in the words of the wise Marie Kondo, “does this spark joy?” If it doesn’t, move along. Swipe left on dating apps. That’s cool.

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