I’ve Experienced a Few Threesomes. Here’s What It’s Really Like.

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“Why is she here? She’s here for a threesome with us? I said I was tired!”

Angry tears stung my eyes as I glared at my live-in boyfriend. Horror and mortification slowly dawned upon his face, yet that did not assuage my emotional state at all.

It was late, and he mistakenly thought that my remark that she was pretty meant “bring her back with us”. I was actually looking forward to going to bed a little earlier, and to say I was displeased with the current turn of events would be an understatement.

The resulting angry meltdown was not pretty, and you would expect that it would be the last time we attempted a threesome together.

It was not. All that was just par for the course for something as tricky as involving more people in the bedroom.

Porn has perpetuated the idea of threesomes – in fact it seems to be the ultimate in sexual experiences for many people. However, are they really as hot as they appear to be?

The answer to that is both yes… and no.

I’ve enjoyed a few threesomes over the years, especially with my current partner. We’ve tried the FFM setup (two women and one man) many times and have even hazarded a couple of MMF (two men one woman) experiences together.

On all those occasions, the thrill of doing something naughty and taboo was an extremely huge turn on and has helped keep the spark in our sex life ignited.

That said, there are certain challenges to navigate to safely and comfortably do it. Care must be given to consent, negotiation of boundaries, and even safer sex considerations.

My friends who are aware of our lifestyle often ask me, why would anyone want to engage in a threesome, especially a couple who might otherwise be monogamous?

Well, threesomes are exciting, and offer the chance for sexual exploration which can be done together with a partner. This means couples get to engage in sexual conduct with others without cheating on each other.

For people keen on exploring their own sexuality, a threesome offers the opportunity to figure out how fluid their sexual orientation might be. Also, it can be a confidence-booster for some – some people come from the experience of doing a threesome feeling more comfortable with their own bodies.

Lastly, as unlikely as it sounds, it can be an extremely bonding experience with your partner, if conducted properly.

My boyfriend and I often spend the following days after a threesome discussing it, and it has been interesting to listen to each other’s likes and dislikes about it. We’ve learnt a lot about each others’ preferences since we started doing this together.

However, on the other hand, it can also trigger negative emotions such as insecurity, jealousy, and awkwardness.

Poorly-negotiated threesomes could go awry, especially if any one person involved feels like they are getting into more than they signed up for, and/or not getting their needs fulfilled in that arrangement.

In fact, that was what happened in that incident above – we hadn’t negotiated it properly, and he was operating on the assumption that I was in the mood for it, which I wasn’t. What I needed at that precise moment was actually to get more sleep after a hectic work week!

A threesome could potentially be physically exhausting, and the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases is increased, especially if the necessary precautions are not taken.

There is also the matter of simple logistics: How to find a willing third person, negotiate the threesome so everyone will find it enjoyable, and then set a time where all parties are free to actually do it.

Unsurprisingly, people that we already feel friendly towards, and have some sort of chemistry with, increase the chances for an enjoyable and fulfilling experience.

A year ago, we had a friend we were both extremely fond of tumble into bed with us after a night out. It was completely unplanned, which I would generally NOT recommend, but the level of trust and familiarity that was already present made it memorable.

We were appreciative of her company, and we spent the following day just chilling by the pool-side and cooking together.

Of course, when things are not communicated well or don’t go as planned, we’ve learnt to be considerate. Consent is a very big thing for us, and if at any time anyone feels like putting an end to things, that’s cool. It would be unfair and even criminal to pressure anyone into something as intimate as this.

I would definitely advise people only to give threesomes a shot if there is clear communication between all parties.

If a couple plan on indulging in a threesome, the relationship should first be secure, and the threesome should not be used as a bargaining chip or a way to fix a problematic relationship. Confidence in body image and sexual ability help avoid conflicts too.

It’s important to discuss consent and boundaries in detail in a neutral setting beforehand, and everyone involved should be comfortable and open with each other before things proceed to the bedroom.

Topics such as personal limits and the use of safewords should be properly discussed to encourage a safer and less-intimidating environment for the threesome to be conducted in, while minimising any potential issues.

Safer sex practices feature very prominently in all our sexual adventures! As un-sexy as it sounds, the barrier method (ie. condoms and dental dams) is the best way to prevent diseases.

We make it a point to do regular STD testing, and have actually laughed along while going to the clinic along with potential partners. That got us some funny looks, but we’re all consensual adults, and I think the fact that we test so regularly possibly makes us lower-risk than many sexually-active adults.

Threesomes can definitely be a lot of fun, but porn sets an unrealistic expectation, so anyone who is thinking about it should not use pornography as a standard.

Group sex is rarely anything like porn when it comes to dealing with the realities of getting it right, which can be off-putting for many people. However, we believe that if done in a healthy, sex-positive way, it can be a very rewarding avenue for sexual exploration!

For more articles like these, read I Had a FWB and It Was Good. Here’s What It Was Like, and I Had a Series of Wild Tinder Dates. Here’s What Happened.

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Audra is an occasional writer, and sometimes (bad) bathroom singer. She believes strongly in advocating sex positivity and better sex education (especially in Malaysia), and has decided to voice out some of her thoughts on the topic on this platform.
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