It was never a secret.
My girlfriend was living with HIV before we started dating. She didn’t hide it. She told me when we were still friends, knowing there was a chance I might walk away. I didn’t. After learning she had the condition, I also learned about the person living with it.
I wanted facts, not myths and assumptions. I did my research and learned about modern treatment and medications, about pregnancy and what life actually looks like for someone living with HIV in Malaysia. What I learned is that people see the diagnosis and nothing beyond it. I see the woman I fell in love with.
She’s 20 years old, was born with HIV, and has been on medication since she was a toddler. She now manages her own health. Her medical records show that she has remained undetectable for years. We had been happily dating for three months when we agreed to tell my parents.
We told my mother
We told my mum first, and everything fell apart. My mum didn’t see my girlfriend as a person anymore. After I said the words “born with HIV”, she only saw what could go wrong: that I would eventually be infected, and we’d both die young.
My mum works in healthcare, and I felt she would understand how HIV is treated, that antiretroviral therapy works, and what an undetectable viral load really means. But knowing something professionally and accepting it when it’s your own son are two very different things.
I understand why she’s scared. She knows HIV as a condition. She doesn’t know the person behind the diagnosis the way I do. I just wish she could see my girlfriend as more than her diagnosis.
Then my mother involved the entire family
My mum told my dad. Then she spoke to my brother and my sister because she didn’t know what else to do. Suddenly, my family had opinions on my relationship. My siblings weren’t completely comfortable with it either. But they told me that if I understood what I was choosing and was sure about my decision, they would support me.
My dad reacted very differently. There were no questions and no attempt at a conversation. He was angry, and I was scared the argument would become physical. He said a lot of things, many of them hurtful, and ended by giving me an ultimatum: “End it, or I will disown you.”
I’m also still living with my parents. I’m a recent graduate and still looking for a full-time job. Right now, that makes the threat of being disowned more complicated than simply walking out the door.
It was no longer a disagreement about my relationship. I am trying to hold my family together.
Fear is not the same as hatred
I understand why my parents are scared. It’s not about hatred. They believe they’re protecting me from what they see as the dangers of HIV. I look at my girlfriend and see someone who has managed her condition responsibly for her entire life.
They see the diagnosis. I see the person behind it. I knew love alone wasn’t enough. If I was going to make this choice, I needed to understand the reality and the risks. I did the research. I spoke to people.
I learned what the World Health Organization says about being undetectable: Effective antiretroviral treatment can suppress HIV to levels that standard laboratory tests cannot detect. And if the viral load is undetectable, UNAIDS confirms “that people living with HIV with an undetectable viral load cannot transmit HIV sexually.”
It does not mean that HIV should be taken lightly: Lifelong medication and regular medical attention are necessary.
Why I choose to stay
She didn’t choose to be born with HIV. She didn’t hide it from me. She trusted me enough to tell me before we started talking seriously about building a future together.
People keep asking why I don’t just leave. I won’t because leaving her would mean walking away from someone who trusted me with the truth. That honesty was one of the reasons I respected her even more, and another reason why I chose to stay.
I don’t regret my decision. I don’t think she shouldn’t have to prove she deserves acceptance because of something she never chose. She has spent her entire life managing a condition that other people often judge before they ever try to understand her. The last thing I want is to make her feel like she has to hide.
Our future is unknown
I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know whether my parents will eventually accept us. I don’t know where this relationship will be in six months or even a year. I don’t know if they will ever feel comfortable with something they have always seen as dangerous.
We’ve only been together for three months.
But I don’t want to lose my family. And I don’t want to lose the woman I love either. Maybe that’s an impossible choice. Or maybe it’s one no one should ever have to make. More than anything, I don’t want her to feel like she’s the reason my family is falling apart.
Submit your story to ym.efillaerni@olleh and you may be featured on In Real Life Malaysia.
Read also: ‘I gave up my family to pursue my dreams’ Shares 34 YO M’sian woman – In Real Life
https://inreallife.my/i-gave-up-my-family-to-pursue-my-dreams-shares-34-yo-msian-woman/
‘I gave up my family to pursue my dreams’ Shares 34 YO M’sian woman
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